Last night I travelled back in time…. Okay, I am still
working on the time machine, but I did manage to delve out my old
journals/diaries from my childhood and re-visited memories that have been long
forgotten, or just tucked away in the deepest corners of my mind. It was
interesting to read about the innocent 11 year old girl who yearned to be
loved, played Barbie with her friends, fell in love with the headmasters son
and didn’t have a worry in the world….except for maths and the fact that said
boy wasn’t in love with her as well….oh the heartache, funny to read now when
you have experienced being in love and being loved as an adult….and what love
is ACTUALLY about! But let’s not take that away from her…all children needs to
feel like that once in their lifetime.
I started writing in journals around 1994 and it spanned
over more than a decade, slowly disintegrating as I got older, joined the
labour mill and when social media was the preferred (and easier) way to express
I managed to see some sort of pattern my life used to
follow, and a lot of my heartache was self-inflicted most of the times. I feel
too deeply. My unwillingness to accept myself for who I am/was. My naïve view
of the world from the windows of the small town I grew up in. Of course there
where external factors, and adolescence is just that….extreme highs and lows,
hormones raging, feelings not being recuperated, the list goes on.
I might not have realised it back then, but I was very
fortunate. Today’s kids might not have the same experiences we had as a child
growing up in a remote part of the country, partly shielded from the fast city
life. It is something I would wish for my own children should I have any, but
only time will tell.
I was lucky to have experience young college love. Two young
kids (yes kids, although you thought you were the shit those days) trying to
figure out what life is all about… it was turbulent at times, but necessary.
Loving, but immature. It lasted a good 6 years and I don’t regret anything I learned
and experienced in those years.
Then I thought I was all grown up but I was not so lucky
with the last 6 years of my life. I was deeply in love, in love with the idea
of marriage, the idea of having kids, buying a house, but all for the wrong
reasons. He was in love, and thought it would last forever. Unfortunately it is
not how it works, and I really do hope he realises that it is a deep mature
love, hard work and commitment that sees a relationship through till the end. A
year after the divorce I still find it difficult to reflect about the positive
attributes I took out of my failed marriage, except for the valuable lessons I learned
AFTER it happened.
Then it was especially heart-warming to read about Chris in
my 2004/2005 diaries…never knowing at that very moment what a big impact he
would have later on in my life. Of course I never went into detail because of
our respective journeys, but it was nice to see that I made a note of when I saw
him…whether I was popping in at L&R Computers where we worked, the restaurant
where I worked or a local “kuier-plek” in Bloubergstrand. Our paths kept on
crossing, without realising the significance it would have a decade later.
And that is why I keep a journal. Keeping record of the
happiness and sadness I experience in life. To go through it again in a few years’
time to check up on yourself. Are you living a happy, meaningful life? Did you
forgive and let go? Do you treat your partner with the same respect and love
you did at the beginning of your relationship? Are you chasing your dreams….?
In the course of your life, you tend to lose track sometimes and forget what it’s
all about…then you read your own words written by a younger version of yourself…and
you remember again….