Thursday, 26 May 2016

Time travelling...

Last night I travelled back in time…. Okay, I am still working on the time machine, but I did manage to delve out my old journals/diaries from my childhood and re-visited memories that have been long forgotten, or just tucked away in the deepest corners of my mind. It was interesting to read about the innocent 11 year old girl who yearned to be loved, played Barbie with her friends, fell in love with the headmasters son and didn’t have a worry in the world….except for maths and the fact that said boy wasn’t in love with her as well….oh the heartache, funny to read now when you have experienced being in love and being loved as an adult….and what love is ACTUALLY about! But let’s not take that away from her…all children needs to feel like that once in their lifetime.

I started writing in journals around 1994 and it spanned over more than a decade, slowly disintegrating as I got older, joined the labour mill and when social media was the preferred (and easier) way to express your feelings.

I managed to see some sort of pattern my life used to follow, and a lot of my heartache was self-inflicted most of the times. I feel too deeply. My unwillingness to accept myself for who I am/was. My naïve view of the world from the windows of the small town I grew up in. Of course there where external factors, and adolescence is just that….extreme highs and lows, hormones raging, feelings not being recuperated, the list goes on.
I might not have realised it back then, but I was very fortunate. Today’s kids might not have the same experiences we had as a child growing up in a remote part of the country, partly shielded from the fast city life. It is something I would wish for my own children should I have any, but only time will tell.

I was lucky to have experience young college love. Two young kids (yes kids, although you thought you were the shit those days) trying to figure out what life is all about… it was turbulent at times, but necessary. Loving, but immature. It lasted a good 6 years and I don’t regret anything I learned and experienced in those years.

Then I thought I was all grown up but I was not so lucky with the last 6 years of my life. I was deeply in love, in love with the idea of marriage, the idea of having kids, buying a house, but all for the wrong reasons. He was in love, and thought it would last forever. Unfortunately it is not how it works, and I really do hope he realises that it is a deep mature love, hard work and commitment that sees a relationship through till the end. A year after the divorce I still find it difficult to reflect about the positive attributes I took out of my failed marriage, except for the valuable lessons I learned AFTER it happened.

Then it was especially heart-warming to read about Chris in my 2004/2005 diaries…never knowing at that very moment what a big impact he would have later on in my life. Of course I never went into detail because of our respective journeys, but it was nice to see that I made a note of when I saw him…whether I was popping in at L&R Computers where we worked, the restaurant where I worked or a local “kuier-plek” in Bloubergstrand. Our paths kept on crossing, without realising the significance it would have a decade later.

And that is why I keep a journal. Keeping record of the happiness and sadness I experience in life. To go through it again in a few years’ time to check up on yourself. Are you living a happy, meaningful life? Did you forgive and let go? Do you treat your partner with the same respect and love you did at the beginning of your relationship? Are you chasing your dreams….?
In the course of your life, you tend to lose track sometimes and forget what it’s all about…then you read your own words written by a younger version of yourself…and you remember again….