Thursday, 9 June 2016


I’ve experienced first-hand how hurtful words can burn the best parts of you. The betrayal and abandonment that comes with it doesn’t help either.
Not only does it have its damaging effects at that very moment, but it seeps through at later stages when you thought you’d close that door so tight. I had to learn (and still on-going), to open that door, process it and to not let one person’s words/actions define who I think I am. That’s one person’s perspective of me, but not necessarily another. Said person was never interested in knowing the person inside this shell, thus did not understand me and inevitably “replaced” me when difficult times started to shake the already vulnerable foundation.

Part of the healing process after divorce is when you realise (hello glorious acceptance stage!) that some people are just not meant to be together. Not compatible some would say. A toxic combination of two different ingredients that, unless you know how to mix them are bound to cause an explosion. When you reach that stage it’s like a heavy weight that have been lifted off your shoulders, and you don’t have to carry that burden around anymore. You’re light….and free. Yes, go on little one, take the world by its horns!

Unfortunately we are also not given a handbook on how to mix different ingredients. Even in science class things could go haywire even if you did follow the prescribed steps. Nonetheless, that is where I believe understanding, compassion, and communication comes in. You are a better fit, same values, similar interests and the big one…commitment! We are trying that combo and so far it seems to be working.
Coming back to the stages….This morning I read an article about how important grieving is after a divorce…not only is it inevitable but very necessary. Think I’ve covered this before, but the 5 stages for grief/loss are as follow:
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance
People differ and you might not experience it in that exact order. Or you might jump from the one to the other and find yourself back at nr one. But it’s a good framework that will identify how you feel….and in my opinion how you should feel. If you skip this whole process you might be in for a nasty surprise later on in life. How else will you heal? But that’s just my humble opinion.

I experienced all stages very deeply and it shook my core from days where I wanted to crawl up and die to taking me back on a high where you thought you had all your ducks in a row (after you lost a lot of them)! I was all over the place…chaos ruled my world.

Only once you experience all of them and you are nearing the acceptance phase, can you look back and revel in the magnificent growth you have experienced. What warms my heart the most and inspires me to continue on this journey are friends, colleagues and loved one’s comments about the transformation I experienced. If people on the outside are noticing it I must be doing something right? How I went from being the super shy introverted girl who were always in the background and in the shadow of my former husband, to the more extroverted (still cautious at times), positive, adventurous and visibly happy woman I am today….and still going strong.

It is a process still, and there are days when you might linger on something from the past, but I don’t allow it to take over my thoughts anymore. I just think about how blessed I am at this very moment, in the present and it is just that, a fleeting memory.

Hello world, this is me….and I’m ready for you!