Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Amicable


Amicable
         {adjective}

Characterized by friendliness and absence of discord.
“An amicable settlement of the dispute”
synonyms: friendly, good-natured, cordial, civil, courteous, polite, harmonious, cooperative, civilized

Such a powerful word that resonates with me today. Through all the chaos and challenges lately, this has been something lingering in my sub-conscious, so it’s probably time for it to surface here.

Throughout the course of your life and if you were raised in a disciplined home with moral values it should come naturally or at least be your first choice to treat all people with respect and in a civil manner. Treat others the way you want to be treated as the saying goes. Kindness. Being a diplomat personality type I strive to be the peacemaker, dealing with others in a sensitive and tactful way. I hate (and avoid) conflict and it troubles me immensely if things are left unsaid and done. The irony is that with my divorce things didn’t end well and I still have to fully accept and let go of how it ended. I am only in control of my part of it. Because it happened so abruptly (literary overnight) with no clear “warning signs” I was in total shock for months and bitterness overshadowed my healing process. I wanted to accept, I wanted to forgive…if you love a person you only want THEIR happiness right?

So the end of my marriage was not amicable. I refused to sign those papers, but I was bullied to do it and in the end had no choice. I prayed fervently to no avail (blessing in disguise). As a result it made it difficult to be civilized. And that is the one part I do regret. I would never be friends with him again, but if the split was handled better I probably would have been able to accept it for what it was when it happened.

Can you be friendly and polite with an ex? Yes you can…I’ve been through it! I still sometimes talk to my college boyfriend of 6 years, and we used to hang out when we still had mutual friends. I believe it says a lot about both parties’ characteristics. That is just the way I am, and that is also what I looked for in someone else. When I was still in therapy my therapist advised me to make a list of traits I want in my future partner. I made that list, and one of my none-negotiable points was how you treated an ex during and after a break-up (or any other person for that matter).
I thought back and my ex-husband only had ill thoughts about his ex-girlfriend. Red flag.
I am best friends with her today and can assure you she is the most amazing woman you will ever meet! So when I met up with Chris again and our friendship developed I was in awe how he/they handled the divorce. Sure there were times when things didn’t go as planned, but overall he only has good things to say about his ex-wife and from what I’ve gathered she really is a wonderful woman. How amazing is that, and an attribute I admire most of him. It says a lot more about him as a person, and also how he will treat me one day if things should ever go south. Respect.

In a sense I do envy that sometimes, just because that is how my pieces are put together. But because of the betrayal I experienced my puzzle is a bit disordered at the moment. Nonetheless I am happy, and blessed with a beautiful man that shares my dreams and values. An amicable heart to discover and explore….