Monday, 26 June 2017

Inner struggles and a moment of peace


The below entry is a very personal account of my inner struggle the last few months, and although I’m actually a very private person (really...you're blogging you may ask), I needed to share this because it connects with everything that has happened to me over the last 2 years since my divorce…
So Mount Everest turned out to be more like Table Mountain…a seemingly rough terrain but unbeknownst to me I was probably halfway up the mountain already and just needed to reach the peak, take in the views and process everything…slowly, like taking a sip from a delicious red Malbec.
The last few months felt like God was just ever so slightly nudging me in a certain direction. A path I knew I should take, but was scared of the unknown or the black hole (that absolute horrible feeling of loss & betrayal) to return to my inner being. I thought I was happy on my way, but it started to threaten my relationships because I’m still scared to let people fully in…see my raw hurt, see me.
I would just want to run away, because if I couldn’t make it work the first time around, what guarantee did I have that it will the second time around. But He kept pushing me, because He knew I was almost ready. Ready to face my fears and start the next chapter on my road to forgiveness.
A lot of things happened.
I’m in a running group and one day realised that my ex-husbands girlfriend was also on the group. My friend’s baby shower was looming and I knew she would be there. I was being tested…and I knew why. No matter how hard I tried to block all of this on social media, it was popping up in places where I had no control to avoid the situation. A slow realisation started to settle in my heart that I knew I couldn’t run away anymore. Then we watched the movie “The Shack” (read the beautiful book by William P Young!) and once again I felt the nudge. It’s a beautiful journey about self-exploration and ultimately forgiveness. Forgiveness….there it is again.
The thing about forgiveness is that it doesn’t happen overnight. It's a long journey.
I always thought I forgave everyone that played a part in my divorce, but I was naïve as the resentment grew in my heart and I knew once the bitter root would take hold of me, it would be a very difficult task to uproot again. So it was always in the back of my head and I was vigilant in my thoughts and actions towards all people, not just those that wronged me. I also had to forgive myself.
The other thing about forgiveness is that you don’t do it for anyone other than YOURSELF.
Forgiveness is for your own healing and growth and release.
It doesn’t condone what happened, but the healing will take place within…
it might take years, but it’s a start.
Back to the mountain…. So a couple of weeks ago my ex-husbands girlfriend send me a text message that they would like to meet over coffee and discuss our current situation and unease largely due to the fact that we still share a lot of mutual friends and subsequently are in the same running circles. It came as a shock at first, mixed feelings of all the human emotions you can think of. To make a long story short we ended up meeting over coffee this weekend. I was scared because I didn’t know how I was going to react and you keep playing these different scenarios in your head (given that I have a very active and imaginative mind) I had no idea what was going to go down. Thank goodness for Chris’s calm demeanour and ability so start a conversation as I was probably in bomb shock and felt I had very little to say. Regardless we had a casual conversation which didn’t delve into the past which I was grateful for. It doesn’t concern me anymore. I was able to sit across my ex-husband and realised once again that we were so wrong for each other. We had little life experience and where two young(ish) adults trying to figure out what to do in the dark and none of us knew how to speak to each other or understand each other’s individual needs. I guess we all had to endure this heart-breaking journey on all accounts to be where we are now. Something I really am grateful for, despite everything that happened. I'll have my regrets as I still need to forgive myself, but I feel better about the whole situation now.
Afterwards I felt more at peace. Calm almost. I had a better understanding. I had to “humanize” them, and re-adjust the distorted picture. I still feel the manner in how it all happened and the lies told can’t be justified on my part, but like I said, I have made peace with that because of the growth I’ve experienced and the honest people I have in my life now.
I’m not saying we will become besties, sit around a campfire, hold hand and sing kumbaya.
But I do believe it is the first step in the next chapter of my healing…and perhaps also theirs? We are all human, we are all adults and we have all endured or little glimpse of hell on this earth.
Who am I to judge?